What does a successful relationship look like? Do you have one? It can feel like the search for the golden challis! Looking for the thing that will make you feel complete. Endlessly longing for the idyllic fantasy family, boss, friends or romantic partners. This thought process can hold us in a cycle of disappointment and pain. Always the victim to everyone else's behaviours constantly asking why can't I have what everyone else has? What's wrong with me?!?! Questioning ourselves like this quickly becomes a very self critical way of thinking and can perpetuate the whole situation. We find ourselves moving from one challenging relationship to another in all areas of our life. So how do we move forward and step away from our pattern of heartbreaking & stressful relationships?
When things happen like this and we feel totally out of control it's helpful to take stock of what we can control. Ultimately it's time to accept that we can never change anyone else. Focusing on what we can change gives us choices. We often do not think about the relationship we have with ourselves, but this is the most important one of all and a great place to start. Do we treat ourselves the way we want to be treated in a relationship? It may not feel natural to think like this, after all it isn't something we are brought up to do. However, exploring how we talk to ourselves and how we view ourselves can be powerful. If we can learn to show ourselves the love and compassion that we give to others we can begin to shift our thought patterns and start to feel more secure.
Successful relationships start with us. Getting to know ourselves, what we really like and want rather than comparing what everyone else seemingly has and making that a goal. We are all unique so there are no fixed rules for how a relationship will develop. It isn't something that just happens it takes work, understanding and commitment. We have to be prepared to be honest and open with communication to stop the pattern of invisible expectations being set. Being mindful of our reactions as they happen and taking time to think about why rather than instantly running with them. Doing this will limit escalating the response and allow us to feel more in control of what is happening. When it comes to relationships there is no right or wrong and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Looking at it from a new perspective and taking responsibility for our part in all our relationships can lead us on a journey of growth and feeling more positively connected.